Delicious FruitElCochran90's Profile
Send a PMJoined on: Aug 25, 2018
Bio:
About time I updated this bio.
Name: Edgar Cochran
Country: Mexico
Currently living in: Mexico City
-God's servant and one of his blessed sons (John 1:12; John 3:16).
-Lover of the entire animal and plant creation.
-Film lover and reviewer for Letterboxd.com (https://letterboxd.com/elcochran90).
-Adjunct professor and personal tutor of Statistical Inference, Business Forecasting, Marketing Research and Portfolio Theory.
Fangaming experience began in August 2018, so only modest achievements here. However, I'll describe some relevant FAQs here made to me during my stay here since 2018:
Q: Are videogames art?
A: Yes
Q: Are fangames videogames?
A: Yes
Q: Why are your reviews long and unconventional?
A: I am a film reviewer; in a way, I sort of unconsciously dragged my style of film reviewing to the world of fangames. I often involve personal experiences in my writing. Expect that structure; I'm not planning to change it.
Q: How are you rating games? Do you compare fangames as normal games that your ratings are lower than all other people ratings or are you just a critical person?
A: My ratings are not lower than people's ratings all of the time regarding fangames, but they are most of the time. However, this is not my intention. I am rating them as normal games, as in, I don't have a different spectrum for rating "normal", "official" games than fangames. They are in the same scale, because they are all videogames. I don't like to think myself as a critical person; ratings are just subjective numbers. However, I have realized that I rate games more harshly than I rate films/short films, which I do more often.
Q: What are your favorite fangames?
A: I have not played enough fangames to make a comprehensive and representative list, but this can be answered by going to my Favorites list. Anything getting 6.7 or higher will be considered immediately as a favorite.
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380 Games
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ElCochran90
For: I wanna be the Dieary
For: I wanna be the Dieary
*Cleared on 25/05/2023*
Rating and difficulty score include “extra”, but I’d highly debate it is actually extra. Secrets are required to go for the true ending, but there is really no ending for making only the basic stages.
Azure is one of a kind. When it comes to platforming ideas, there is nothing new, and the overabundance of traps will make you chop your head off. However, there is a story behind this fangame that is quite intriguing, as subjective as it might be. It has RPG splashes all over it.
The story opens with an undefeatable boss that is meant to be impossible until everything turns out to be a dream. At this point, your intuition will whisper: “this is obvious foreshadowing for the final boss I’ll have to face when I’m more powerful”. You wake up. Nice to see the Kid finally owning an apartment with a nice view; what this fangame plays with is the notion between what is real and what is not, and this “portal” between the two realms seems to be his bed. One could theorize that the entire game is a dream and the final boss is a projection of his internal fears or loneliness (can’t ever read too much in a fangame), as there doesn’t seem to be an ominous danger for the planet, but inner challenges the Kid must face. There is even a secret in Kid’s bed, which might also indicate everything is happening in a dream.
All is beautiful so far, but it is the stages that make you forget about Azure’s intriguing conception of bringing a fantasy adventure story to life and take you back to generic half-assedness. Some are fun to play (Bomberman, chase of spike walls and roofs with the wooden tilesets), one is cryptic (puzzle) and one of them in particular (red warp which takes you to a purple stage; for some funny reason colors never coincide) is completely mental with the traps. Do not even dare play this in Hard Mode; it’s obvious many are meant to be played in Medium Difficulty for save balancing.
One review stated there is a lot going on in this “surprisingly short game”. Make no mistake, as this is no short fangame at all. For reference, Wolfie’s first playthrough took more than 2 hours, and the WR currently for 100% is 25:42 (17:46 for any %). The game has six main stages, each one with a visual style and platforming of their own; there is a secret in each stage, which location are more than often cryptic, but they are fun to get. At least the game provides variety, and if you’re suffering through a stage, you have the guarantee that the next one will be slightly different at the least. A secret in particular requires dancing at a beat while dodging, and although it is quite mental, the game gives you enough error margin for pulling it off.
Bosses are not that generic, so expect zero cherries, which is an overused old-school trope. One boss in particular (all I will say is it involves a dog) is so sudoku-looking and yet so sentimental that you have no idea what the intention behind the boss is, and once you get the funny-looking segment, there is a second phase that gives you no prior warning of what it was meant to be. There is a troll boss, maybe for the laughs, but it is shown in one of the longest stages, so maybe it is not such a good idea to reward the player looking for adventure bosses with a troll boss after so much effort was invested in a long stage considering their length and difficulty is all over the place and you can take them in any order you wish: it’s a dice’s roll.
The reason I debate extra is because there is not a “Thank You” screen once you jump off the balcony; it just says “The End” in an obvious “This is not the intended end, bro”. Getting the secrets is more than commended, because it will lead to the most special section of them all: the final stage before the boss.
This stage is easy to confuse with an L_game, and for being such an early game, that notion could be challenged. Azure is the author of an infamous fangame called “I Wanna Be the Goner”. In short, it is a freaking J-Tool default tileset with extremely precise cancer-ish jumps, but with a save immediately after each jump. Sounds like L, but it is not, as it mostly restricts the jumps to 16px, but mostly it is 32px. Align knowledge is utmost recommended. The final stage is a Goner-like stage, perhaps the prototype for Goner and Goner-like games, as I don’t know the actual release of Goner. It’s THE Guy-Rock-themed, generic-looking stage of the game, but just like the route to the right in Go the Dotkid!, it is oh-so-fun. For 2011-2012, it was strange to find something like this and, as far as I’m concerned, you cannot softlock (theoretically, you should try really hard to get there). It has only two screens, and believe me, it is enough. Azure was really conscious about the unusual difficulty peak, so there is a counter of your deaths on the top right corner that belong exclusively to this area. I wish this area had another song and visual style, but I swear it was so fun.
The final boss was a first try, which is beyond stupid. It was one of the most anti-climactic feelings I’ve ever had after such a huge build-up.
Recommended; there’s more than meets the eye.
[0] Likes
Rating and difficulty score include “extra”, but I’d highly debate it is actually extra. Secrets are required to go for the true ending, but there is really no ending for making only the basic stages.
Azure is one of a kind. When it comes to platforming ideas, there is nothing new, and the overabundance of traps will make you chop your head off. However, there is a story behind this fangame that is quite intriguing, as subjective as it might be. It has RPG splashes all over it.
The story opens with an undefeatable boss that is meant to be impossible until everything turns out to be a dream. At this point, your intuition will whisper: “this is obvious foreshadowing for the final boss I’ll have to face when I’m more powerful”. You wake up. Nice to see the Kid finally owning an apartment with a nice view; what this fangame plays with is the notion between what is real and what is not, and this “portal” between the two realms seems to be his bed. One could theorize that the entire game is a dream and the final boss is a projection of his internal fears or loneliness (can’t ever read too much in a fangame), as there doesn’t seem to be an ominous danger for the planet, but inner challenges the Kid must face. There is even a secret in Kid’s bed, which might also indicate everything is happening in a dream.
All is beautiful so far, but it is the stages that make you forget about Azure’s intriguing conception of bringing a fantasy adventure story to life and take you back to generic half-assedness. Some are fun to play (Bomberman, chase of spike walls and roofs with the wooden tilesets), one is cryptic (puzzle) and one of them in particular (red warp which takes you to a purple stage; for some funny reason colors never coincide) is completely mental with the traps. Do not even dare play this in Hard Mode; it’s obvious many are meant to be played in Medium Difficulty for save balancing.
One review stated there is a lot going on in this “surprisingly short game”. Make no mistake, as this is no short fangame at all. For reference, Wolfie’s first playthrough took more than 2 hours, and the WR currently for 100% is 25:42 (17:46 for any %). The game has six main stages, each one with a visual style and platforming of their own; there is a secret in each stage, which location are more than often cryptic, but they are fun to get. At least the game provides variety, and if you’re suffering through a stage, you have the guarantee that the next one will be slightly different at the least. A secret in particular requires dancing at a beat while dodging, and although it is quite mental, the game gives you enough error margin for pulling it off.
Bosses are not that generic, so expect zero cherries, which is an overused old-school trope. One boss in particular (all I will say is it involves a dog) is so sudoku-looking and yet so sentimental that you have no idea what the intention behind the boss is, and once you get the funny-looking segment, there is a second phase that gives you no prior warning of what it was meant to be. There is a troll boss, maybe for the laughs, but it is shown in one of the longest stages, so maybe it is not such a good idea to reward the player looking for adventure bosses with a troll boss after so much effort was invested in a long stage considering their length and difficulty is all over the place and you can take them in any order you wish: it’s a dice’s roll.
The reason I debate extra is because there is not a “Thank You” screen once you jump off the balcony; it just says “The End” in an obvious “This is not the intended end, bro”. Getting the secrets is more than commended, because it will lead to the most special section of them all: the final stage before the boss.
This stage is easy to confuse with an L_game, and for being such an early game, that notion could be challenged. Azure is the author of an infamous fangame called “I Wanna Be the Goner”. In short, it is a freaking J-Tool default tileset with extremely precise cancer-ish jumps, but with a save immediately after each jump. Sounds like L, but it is not, as it mostly restricts the jumps to 16px, but mostly it is 32px. Align knowledge is utmost recommended. The final stage is a Goner-like stage, perhaps the prototype for Goner and Goner-like games, as I don’t know the actual release of Goner. It’s THE Guy-Rock-themed, generic-looking stage of the game, but just like the route to the right in Go the Dotkid!, it is oh-so-fun. For 2011-2012, it was strange to find something like this and, as far as I’m concerned, you cannot softlock (theoretically, you should try really hard to get there). It has only two screens, and believe me, it is enough. Azure was really conscious about the unusual difficulty peak, so there is a counter of your deaths on the top right corner that belong exclusively to this area. I wish this area had another song and visual style, but I swear it was so fun.
The final boss was a first try, which is beyond stupid. It was one of the most anti-climactic feelings I’ve ever had after such a huge build-up.
Recommended; there’s more than meets the eye.
Rating: 4.6 46
Difficulty: 75 75
Nov 5, 2023
ElCochran90
For: I wanna be the Shiny spark!!
For: I wanna be the Shiny spark!!
*Cleared on 18/05/2023*
This game... This game has me mad.
Important disclaimer: If you want to make all planned challenges for the game and play all extra content, you must play in Very Hard Mode (because Popularity, remember??). This is very dumb by itself, as the Normal difficulty is the intended one (not Zako).
For anyone that claims this is the worst fangame featured in K2, you should (not) introduce yourself to Sadist, but this one is quite up (down?) there.
From the creator of the infamous Popularity and one of the makers of THE iDOLM@STER, Shiny Spark is infamously stupid and hilarious at the same time, a surreal and absurd experience I would only recommend to those that can extract fun from Sudoku idiocy.
The whole game circles around the concept of you having to conquer hidden areas in the original castle of The Guy. Each fake exit is now an entry to a new area that goes from very interesting to mind-blowingly dumb. There are also extremely cryptic secrets hidden in each stage for unlocking the extra content of the game which is the equivalent of willingly signing a contract for free urethrotomy.
Levels are listed in the order I played them:
-The Super Mario Bros. 3 section is straight-up sudoku trash. All block and “spike” sprites are from the original game and have no rhyme or reason. Version 1.0 had a straight-up gray background; the most recent Version 2.0 has a cave background which makes it look less cancer. More often than not, the game uses a star gimmick which is too precise for its own sake: it gives you invincibility and higher speed, but the timing for it to end is very specific and one screen expects you to do miracles as there is almost no spare frames to get to the end. The secret is a horrible guessing game full of black 32X32 piranha plants, and many of these are fake, so you must find your way through. However, you cannot save inside the secret room, so you have to do the way to the secret every time. The boss is ok, featuring a funny recreation of the famous Fight Against Smithy from Super Mario RPG, including his most damaging attack.
-My second stage ended up being an absolute rarity and I can’t say I loathe it because of how crazy it is, but also has inconsistent obstacle hitbox mechanics: a race through a track where everything kills you, including the sides of the racetrack. The level uses an infinity jump gimmick for maneuvering (thank God no Nekoron engine), and it amusingly implements a map of the whole racetrack which is no more than a copy-paste of the original screen but in smaller size (you can see yourself in there as well). Contemplating every pixel of all stationary and spinning attacks is amusing to the max, but the design is really badly done, especially with the rotating ones, so they cannot be timed correctly at first glance. Secret requires an awful, long backtrack and surviving a very tight, prolonged section, but the boss is the worst highlight of the game for me: a grindy, learny avoidance that has a high degree of precision during the last attacks (you’ll spend most of your time here), and a very prolonged and unnecessary choke phase at the end which is so easy that you can get bored and hence die easily. This post-section trash demands from you to pay attention to the embodiment of boredom. Concept is funny, as it is not an avoidance featuring music, but dialogue, but it gets tedious real fast.
-My third stage was LoveTrap, and it is a genius stage, so genius, that the game-maker reinvented the stage... Not really. Eden literally just makes you play the original water stage in reverse and, as far as I’m concerned, nothing changes. It even has the planes at the ending (or beginning?) of the stage. There is the secret, and it’s the least cryptic of them all. I don’t even have to explain the boss because it is the Suki Suki Suki cherry and I don’t need to tell to jack sh!t. This is the fangame dictionary definition of how not to do a tribute to another fangame.
-My fourth stage was fun against all odds, in spite of its unfair RNG: it’s a beatmania stage with an amazing song that unfortunately restarts with pressing R (you simply don’t restart a beat like that), and an avoidance featuring the song Miracle Moon. The stage consists in a cascade of RNG platforms that push you up at random speeds, so it’s a clumsy mix of skill, timing and luck. The section is quite trollish, as you’re going up happily at full speed and it turns out the entire left or right side of the screen is guaranteed death by spike. The secret requires you to do the first screen, save, and come back all the way down, and it is torture. Sounds easier to fall than to go up, but no; there is a section where you get bombarded by spikes from both sides. The boss is badly timed and a few times the timing does not consist with the song: I am aware this takes a lot of time to program, but bad programming can cause death, and the very ending of the avoidance forces you to do a forced maneuver; it gets worse when the beat lines become invisible and it becomes either a forecasting teller exercise, or one of memory.
-My fifth stage was the puzzle stage with the Trials of Mana layout and sprites. The puzzles are stupid, especially one that asks you to progress every you’re your PC time ends up with the number 5. This is beyond belief. There’s so much dead time in 10 minutes. There is nothing special about this stage, save for the design, but the infamous part of you choosing invisible walls as correct paths goes beyond description, and that is a requirement not only for getting through the stage, but also for the secret. The boss is interesting in the sense that, as long as you fire only one bullet in his direction while your horizontal position matches any pixel of his hitbox, he will avoid it. If there are two bullets on the screen, and the second is done at damaging him, it works best. Doesn’t help that the screen gets loaded with trash the more damage to inflict, but it is what it is. The strat is two shooting him while falling, but the first bullet must be above him and the second or third towards his direction; for some reason, boss goes blind and the attack works.
-My sixth stage was the worst and I wish I didn’t have left it for last. It’s the infamous Yoshi stage, where you face the same level over and over again and you must, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, figure out what to do: invisible blocks, triggers, traps, appearing and disappearing blocks, or sometimes even wait. Anything goes in this horrible stage, except you’re not given a single hint whatsoever of what one should do. It’s unspeakably terrible and up there with the most frustrating stages I’ve ever played. The secret requires a great endurance test and avoid going to the warp during a particular screen; it’s horrendous. The boss is equally bad: it’s a bunch of Super Mario World tubes which spawn an increasing amount of Yoshis throwing eggs at you the more damage you inflict the main green one.
Once this has been done, you can collect an extra secret, which is found within the hub of The Guy’s maze itself by activating several triggers. I must admit this overtly simplistic idea was mildly entertaining and, with the help of some additional triggers to the original, it makes you go through almost every ramification of the maze from beginning to end and back to the beginning to obtain the secret. One switch is very hidden, but the challenge is ok to do.
As old-school tradition dictates, we have a new section dedicated to the original IWBTG and a boss rush. Terrific. No news here. Once beaten, you go to an amusing Pokemon battle which, for my two cents, has amusingly the best production quality of the game. The fight is interesting, and I can’t get over how freaking cute the dancing Pikachu is (you also feel like an idiot when you die to him).
Game ends, credits roll and a wonderful song plays: 隣に・・・ 三浦あずさ(CV:たかはし智秋) (Tonari Ni... by Azusa Miura). The game does two things to hint you it’s not the true end:
1) It plays the music differently. During a portion that is supposed to be heavy in instrumentation, you only hear the singing. For my two cents, this is, I think, an unofficial version and my favorite: you hear her voice echo and the chorus accompanying only, contrary to the original version. This is something stunning. Unintended brilliance?
2) The clear screen has a question mark.
So this is the point where the credits play the role, right? Well, not necessarily. You’re royally f**ked if you played in any difficulty lower than Very Hard, because all the extra deaths and time wasted for getting those tough secrets is completely a waste of your life: in Normal, it didn’t make a difference if you went for them or not. You might say: “bruh, the original IWBTG did the same thing”, but I disagree: the secrets were additional optional challenges and the disappointment was that they didn’t unlock anything or gave you extra guns. Here, you know there’s a whole game still lying ahead of you, including new platforming stages based on the original six stages, and you will never see them because, just like eden did with Popularity or Carnival with Picture. Picture betrays you with being able to get secrets in Medium and then raises a middle finger to you; this game does as well.
For anything that’s worth, I have some references that, at least, extra involves all bosses in a boss rush buffed and you must clear it without deaths; extra increased difficulty to unreasonable levels. Maybe, no thank you?
Anyway, screw you.
[0] Likes
This game... This game has me mad.
Important disclaimer: If you want to make all planned challenges for the game and play all extra content, you must play in Very Hard Mode (because Popularity, remember??). This is very dumb by itself, as the Normal difficulty is the intended one (not Zako).
For anyone that claims this is the worst fangame featured in K2, you should (not) introduce yourself to Sadist, but this one is quite up (down?) there.
From the creator of the infamous Popularity and one of the makers of THE iDOLM@STER, Shiny Spark is infamously stupid and hilarious at the same time, a surreal and absurd experience I would only recommend to those that can extract fun from Sudoku idiocy.
The whole game circles around the concept of you having to conquer hidden areas in the original castle of The Guy. Each fake exit is now an entry to a new area that goes from very interesting to mind-blowingly dumb. There are also extremely cryptic secrets hidden in each stage for unlocking the extra content of the game which is the equivalent of willingly signing a contract for free urethrotomy.
Levels are listed in the order I played them:
-The Super Mario Bros. 3 section is straight-up sudoku trash. All block and “spike” sprites are from the original game and have no rhyme or reason. Version 1.0 had a straight-up gray background; the most recent Version 2.0 has a cave background which makes it look less cancer. More often than not, the game uses a star gimmick which is too precise for its own sake: it gives you invincibility and higher speed, but the timing for it to end is very specific and one screen expects you to do miracles as there is almost no spare frames to get to the end. The secret is a horrible guessing game full of black 32X32 piranha plants, and many of these are fake, so you must find your way through. However, you cannot save inside the secret room, so you have to do the way to the secret every time. The boss is ok, featuring a funny recreation of the famous Fight Against Smithy from Super Mario RPG, including his most damaging attack.
-My second stage ended up being an absolute rarity and I can’t say I loathe it because of how crazy it is, but also has inconsistent obstacle hitbox mechanics: a race through a track where everything kills you, including the sides of the racetrack. The level uses an infinity jump gimmick for maneuvering (thank God no Nekoron engine), and it amusingly implements a map of the whole racetrack which is no more than a copy-paste of the original screen but in smaller size (you can see yourself in there as well). Contemplating every pixel of all stationary and spinning attacks is amusing to the max, but the design is really badly done, especially with the rotating ones, so they cannot be timed correctly at first glance. Secret requires an awful, long backtrack and surviving a very tight, prolonged section, but the boss is the worst highlight of the game for me: a grindy, learny avoidance that has a high degree of precision during the last attacks (you’ll spend most of your time here), and a very prolonged and unnecessary choke phase at the end which is so easy that you can get bored and hence die easily. This post-section trash demands from you to pay attention to the embodiment of boredom. Concept is funny, as it is not an avoidance featuring music, but dialogue, but it gets tedious real fast.
-My third stage was LoveTrap, and it is a genius stage, so genius, that the game-maker reinvented the stage... Not really. Eden literally just makes you play the original water stage in reverse and, as far as I’m concerned, nothing changes. It even has the planes at the ending (or beginning?) of the stage. There is the secret, and it’s the least cryptic of them all. I don’t even have to explain the boss because it is the Suki Suki Suki cherry and I don’t need to tell to jack sh!t. This is the fangame dictionary definition of how not to do a tribute to another fangame.
-My fourth stage was fun against all odds, in spite of its unfair RNG: it’s a beatmania stage with an amazing song that unfortunately restarts with pressing R (you simply don’t restart a beat like that), and an avoidance featuring the song Miracle Moon. The stage consists in a cascade of RNG platforms that push you up at random speeds, so it’s a clumsy mix of skill, timing and luck. The section is quite trollish, as you’re going up happily at full speed and it turns out the entire left or right side of the screen is guaranteed death by spike. The secret requires you to do the first screen, save, and come back all the way down, and it is torture. Sounds easier to fall than to go up, but no; there is a section where you get bombarded by spikes from both sides. The boss is badly timed and a few times the timing does not consist with the song: I am aware this takes a lot of time to program, but bad programming can cause death, and the very ending of the avoidance forces you to do a forced maneuver; it gets worse when the beat lines become invisible and it becomes either a forecasting teller exercise, or one of memory.
-My fifth stage was the puzzle stage with the Trials of Mana layout and sprites. The puzzles are stupid, especially one that asks you to progress every you’re your PC time ends up with the number 5. This is beyond belief. There’s so much dead time in 10 minutes. There is nothing special about this stage, save for the design, but the infamous part of you choosing invisible walls as correct paths goes beyond description, and that is a requirement not only for getting through the stage, but also for the secret. The boss is interesting in the sense that, as long as you fire only one bullet in his direction while your horizontal position matches any pixel of his hitbox, he will avoid it. If there are two bullets on the screen, and the second is done at damaging him, it works best. Doesn’t help that the screen gets loaded with trash the more damage to inflict, but it is what it is. The strat is two shooting him while falling, but the first bullet must be above him and the second or third towards his direction; for some reason, boss goes blind and the attack works.
-My sixth stage was the worst and I wish I didn’t have left it for last. It’s the infamous Yoshi stage, where you face the same level over and over again and you must, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, figure out what to do: invisible blocks, triggers, traps, appearing and disappearing blocks, or sometimes even wait. Anything goes in this horrible stage, except you’re not given a single hint whatsoever of what one should do. It’s unspeakably terrible and up there with the most frustrating stages I’ve ever played. The secret requires a great endurance test and avoid going to the warp during a particular screen; it’s horrendous. The boss is equally bad: it’s a bunch of Super Mario World tubes which spawn an increasing amount of Yoshis throwing eggs at you the more damage you inflict the main green one.
Once this has been done, you can collect an extra secret, which is found within the hub of The Guy’s maze itself by activating several triggers. I must admit this overtly simplistic idea was mildly entertaining and, with the help of some additional triggers to the original, it makes you go through almost every ramification of the maze from beginning to end and back to the beginning to obtain the secret. One switch is very hidden, but the challenge is ok to do.
As old-school tradition dictates, we have a new section dedicated to the original IWBTG and a boss rush. Terrific. No news here. Once beaten, you go to an amusing Pokemon battle which, for my two cents, has amusingly the best production quality of the game. The fight is interesting, and I can’t get over how freaking cute the dancing Pikachu is (you also feel like an idiot when you die to him).
Game ends, credits roll and a wonderful song plays: 隣に・・・ 三浦あずさ(CV:たかはし智秋) (Tonari Ni... by Azusa Miura). The game does two things to hint you it’s not the true end:
1) It plays the music differently. During a portion that is supposed to be heavy in instrumentation, you only hear the singing. For my two cents, this is, I think, an unofficial version and my favorite: you hear her voice echo and the chorus accompanying only, contrary to the original version. This is something stunning. Unintended brilliance?
2) The clear screen has a question mark.
So this is the point where the credits play the role, right? Well, not necessarily. You’re royally f**ked if you played in any difficulty lower than Very Hard, because all the extra deaths and time wasted for getting those tough secrets is completely a waste of your life: in Normal, it didn’t make a difference if you went for them or not. You might say: “bruh, the original IWBTG did the same thing”, but I disagree: the secrets were additional optional challenges and the disappointment was that they didn’t unlock anything or gave you extra guns. Here, you know there’s a whole game still lying ahead of you, including new platforming stages based on the original six stages, and you will never see them because, just like eden did with Popularity or Carnival with Picture. Picture betrays you with being able to get secrets in Medium and then raises a middle finger to you; this game does as well.
For anything that’s worth, I have some references that, at least, extra involves all bosses in a boss rush buffed and you must clear it without deaths; extra increased difficulty to unreasonable levels. Maybe, no thank you?
Anyway, screw you.
Rating: 2.2 22
Difficulty: 60 60
Nov 3, 2023
ElCochran90
For: I wanna run the Terminal!
For: I wanna run the Terminal!
*Cleared on 11/05/2023*
This game and Yassan(21) are pretty much tied in entertainment value even if this one has more gimmick variety, as it also places much emphasis on traps. As the game progresses through the first three stages, you gradually see a change in visual style that separates itself from the generic standard tilesets, so this game is better at creating visual differentiation. All damn bosses are cherries, and you’ll forget about them in a while. Potentially, the most memorable stage is the third one, which places fun gimmick ideas concerning a limited amount of time for infinite jumping, but traps worsen the experience. Some screens are still just common needle with boring traps.
The fourth stage is a tribute to the original IWBTG, but it is very generic territory, and for some reason is the longest as well. Sometimes, when it comes back to the mechanic of pressing buttons for triggering platforms, the room is transformed to something you couldn’t predict before, which is more than welcome. Final boss is annoying since you have to double jump every time to make significant damage, and the blue attack is quite easy to die to. Otherwise, it is not a big threat.
[0] Likes
This game and Yassan(21) are pretty much tied in entertainment value even if this one has more gimmick variety, as it also places much emphasis on traps. As the game progresses through the first three stages, you gradually see a change in visual style that separates itself from the generic standard tilesets, so this game is better at creating visual differentiation. All damn bosses are cherries, and you’ll forget about them in a while. Potentially, the most memorable stage is the third one, which places fun gimmick ideas concerning a limited amount of time for infinite jumping, but traps worsen the experience. Some screens are still just common needle with boring traps.
The fourth stage is a tribute to the original IWBTG, but it is very generic territory, and for some reason is the longest as well. Sometimes, when it comes back to the mechanic of pressing buttons for triggering platforms, the room is transformed to something you couldn’t predict before, which is more than welcome. Final boss is annoying since you have to double jump every time to make significant damage, and the blue attack is quite easy to die to. Otherwise, it is not a big threat.
Rating: 4.1 41
Difficulty: 44 44
Nov 3, 2023
ElCochran90
For: I wanna be the Yassan(21)
For: I wanna be the Yassan(21)
*Cleared on 09/05/2023*
Three-stage adventure fangame that keeps it very simple when it comes to ideas and platforming implementations, including generic traps, save for the black and white stage where difficulty is increased notoriously for no reason, and two of the bosses are interesting to say the most, but visually, it wants to create something different.
The red stage suddenly gets unwatchable, and the invincibility frames of the boss don't help us all involuntary bullet smashers; it is also really easy to choke at the end. The water-and-ice stage looks good for an early fangame and the ice spike sprites eliminate the possibility of standard jumps.
Final boss is the most challenging and yet the most entertaining of them all; however, it is learny. The attacks uses visual effects and projectiles that would be used often in future bosses of other games, but the greatest thing about it is that it doesn't pose a visual challenge.
Recommended for killing a not-so-brief amount time.
[0] Likes
Three-stage adventure fangame that keeps it very simple when it comes to ideas and platforming implementations, including generic traps, save for the black and white stage where difficulty is increased notoriously for no reason, and two of the bosses are interesting to say the most, but visually, it wants to create something different.
The red stage suddenly gets unwatchable, and the invincibility frames of the boss don't help us all involuntary bullet smashers; it is also really easy to choke at the end. The water-and-ice stage looks good for an early fangame and the ice spike sprites eliminate the possibility of standard jumps.
Final boss is the most challenging and yet the most entertaining of them all; however, it is learny. The attacks uses visual effects and projectiles that would be used often in future bosses of other games, but the greatest thing about it is that it doesn't pose a visual challenge.
Recommended for killing a not-so-brief amount time.
Rating: 4.2 42
Difficulty: 50 50
Oct 30, 2023
ElCochran90
For: I Wanna BE the Tempest
For: I Wanna BE the Tempest
*Cleared on 02/05/2023*
Rating includes extra. Difficulty rating does not include extra (which remains unchanged).
100% “Z” clear.
People unfortunately get cancer, but fangames unfortunately get TEMPEST!
This putrid pile of AIDS-infected rhinoceros’ fecal matter is the virus to my corona, the devil to my religion, the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to my vintage AVGN, the Meet the Spartans to my Sátántangó, the Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code to my Joyce’s Ulysses, the Brokencyde to my Bach, and the M&M's Shell Shocked to my Ocarina of Time. It sucks harder than a vacuum, can cause PTSD and can be used as a tool for forced conversion therapy to suckness.
Absolutely everything is wrong with this humankind abomination, the one and only fangame that Ebert obviously played to not consider fangames “art”. This has to be.
Device / Diverse guy teams up with this other guy, make their homework separately under LSD influence (which can work wonders [I don’t do drugs; I’m speaking on behalf of specific film auteurs]) and vomit their hallucinations in the form of “stages”. Stage 1 is the obligated, mind-numbingly boring standard tilesets, generic traps and awful platforming. You’ll find anything new, except a woeful backtrack for getting to the first secret which involves a screen transition you must quickly react to, or you’re done.
Traps are unfair, and even when you know they’ll happen, they act at the speed of light. Previous knowledge doesn’t help a bit, especially when a platform rams your body against wall spikes at 225 MPH like a McLaren F1 LM. Some traps are cryptic, like take a route, and you’re wrong; take the other one, and you’re also wrong. The red arrows gimmick is annoying, especially when they are used also as traps having a huge size.
Dr. Mario boss is amusing but the fact it can be third-tried at worst makes it clear there is a huge difference between difficulty of bosses and platforming. Nothing appealing about this boss no matter how creative it wanted to come out.
Second stage is way worse: monochromatic metallic bs associated with the original IWBTG’s Mega-Man stage. Lots of dumb traps and “see if there’s an invisible block here”. Game gets you killed after really long saves and the location of the secret is unspeakably idiotic. Remember those walls of spikes that appear in the very first screen of IWBTG? They appear here, and in this God-forsaken save, you have to SHOOT them to make them disappear. Shoot walls of spikes. Yeah. I lost many minutes looking for fake blocks in that corridor needle and when I shot by mere accident, I was stunned at what I had done. There is also this forced red & black design which has a hellish tone to it and might have been ok-ish to explore it more. That’s a no. It’s a single screen with overtly precise triggers and save points in the middle of a fall. Why???
Now, the boss of this horrendous stage surpasses any capacity of my limited proficiency of the English language. You have this cherry in the middle, right? And there’s this gray block in which you have to be constantly on for not falling to your demise, as there’s nothing else in the screen. What to do? Jump on it like water 2 (which is freaking inconsistent for the life of me!!) and shoot it. The cherry also spawns six cherries around in set intervals. Every time you shoot at it, two big cherries go at you, which is fine because you keep moving all the time. All cool, right? No, goddamit, it’s totally not! It’s ten hits in total. Only ten, and sometimes, you can shoot it twice. But when you get to the fifth hit, now eight cherries spawn around, and they way they do so is specifically design to kill the player. The cherries occupy exactly the spot you’re in, and you cannot dodge them that easily because they go diagonally; if you jump ahead of the moving block, you’re still in the angle of the original trajectory, so screw you. If you jump back away from the block and come back to it, you don’t have enough speed to get back to it. Either way it’s game over. This boss took an absurd amount of time and it is so frustrating because it is extremely simple in design and idea, and yet they figured out the most bs way to incorporate it. The hell with this freaking boss!
Third stage, at least this will give us some variety not seen in previous stages and a new song, right? What, did you forget we’re talking about the worst fangame ever made, where Hamster! is a masterpiece compared to this? It’s default tilesets and the Mega-Man 2 theme once again. Now the gimmick is you never stop jumping and have to use your second jumps properly to land and avoid spikes in screens full of traps. You can kiss my banana sprite from Destination’s avoidance.
Then, for no reason, the film transitions to the worst copy of Kill the Guy’s inverted gravity ever, which seems to have a particular obsession with gate jumps. This stage is guaranteed to make you dizzy. The secret’s location is also very cryptic, but anyone familiar with Carnival’s Crimson will get the idea since the way it is obtained is quite uncanny. The boss is an easy first-try Bubble Bobble piece of Dodongo dung where attacks begin to get interesting by the time you kill the little mf dragon.
Fourth stage is the unholy mother of f*ckness and one of the worst experiences of my life. This fourth stage is the main cause of cancer in Japan and unfortunately spread to North America. You begin with a stage that looks like diarrhea with blood. It consists of a simple gimmick: all blocks in the room alternate between normal blocks and death blocks at a given rhythm, with some platforming being the unholiness of f***. The first screen only has spikes, the blocks appear in the second screen. With this logic, be extra careful with the second save of the first screen; it’s located right at the left of a block that begins as a death block when you hit R. This is a softlock, and I’m fairly tagging the game as such. It’s obvious, but also an easy miss if you’re under the stress of finishing the previous save and saving quickly. This is quite deep into the game, so softlocking here would be absolute pain.
Now, after this, you go with the green part of the stage. This is hell. Alighieri never envisioned something like this in all of his Circles of Hell. This green hell, more disturbing than Soylent Green (1973, watch that film) has the worst doable secret of all times: the green-spike-hell brown platform tourist ride. The number of problems with this secret is agonizingly high. Right at the first time you reach the top, the platform does not handle like it normally does in standard engines. Picture this: What do you do if there’s a sea of spikes beneath you and there’s a bunch of brown platforms ahead of you stuck in a ceiling? It’s smashing time, right? The platforms have this peculiar (and amusing) property. Not here, no uh. Here, the platforms can get you stuck in the ceiling, so if you ever think of smashing your character when the platform is at the top, it is literally you signing a contract for getting stuck on the ceiling. The maneuvering this section requires is dumbass. The entire stage, including this secret, has GB-like platforms (meaning that if you land on the platform exactly when it is over a spike in the same pixel, the collision prioritizes the spike instead of the platform). This screws up the entire freaking save. Even if you see a video of it, constructing the memory for knowing exactly at which points of the platform you have to stand for the numerous 16px spaces the platform will make you travel through is more agonizing than studying for a final test of Advanced Microeconomics (I know). Finally, when the platform reaches the end, it doesn’t take you to the 32X32 space where the Green Game Boy is, nooooooooo, it goes the opposite way on the previous block, so you have to stand on the very edge after many intricate jumps while taking care of NOT LANDING ON SPIKES EVEN IF YOU’RE ON THE F*CKING PLATFORM, go to the edge, grab it, come back to the center of the platform, backtrack this lower part of the endurance test, and take a warp rapidly, which makes you fall at the speed of light in an unannounced location of the left drop, forcing you to make a high-speed diagonal.
This secret was more painful than my first breakup!
The pain of the stage continues. You come back to the second half of the second green screen, and there are 5 corridors in total that you must climb with these awful platforms. The fourth one that goes from right to left is a nightmare, as right in the middle there is a demonically possessed jump that resembles a nerfed A-jump (diagonal up and down), except the altitude of the platform makes everything more complicated, and the maneuvering required costed me 4 hours!!! Why???? And you know what caused me the first heart attack? I passed this jump and was more than prepared for the timing of the incredibly fast last platform at the top, but please, please be careful: you will notice that the leftmost block has a ledge you can stand on. Well, for no mf reason, this entire block kills you, even if you bonk at it from below. Why? I have no idea, but you must envision this seemingly harmless block as a death block from the previous blood diarrhea section. I screamed live and hit my desk. F*** this game.
Then you enter a blue area. The makers do not even know their primary colors and tossed away yellow instead; they all look godawful anyway. This screen is smurfs’ vomit. This screen has a bloody serious collision order issue that will screw you up in many unthinkable ways. Take the instance in which you first reach the right wall of the screen. On the second ledge, there’s a block that has a spike facing right exactly above you. If you land on the block, but your 11-pixel-wide hitbox is in contact with the spike, you die. This is Boshy logic and works horrendously. So there’s this part immediately after where you must fall within a 16 pixel gap but without stepping on the spike facing left. Repeat this same stupid bs for the penultimate jump immediately after: you’re on a block with a spike facing left and another one facing down right above you. Beginner-friendly stuff, it would seem, but no, because if you step a wee bit over the spike, you die! You cannot do a strat of standing on the edge of the block without touching the spike because you will touch the spike. A moronic maneuver is required for this, either cancelling, or emulating a 9 jump and get outta there. Finally, you see a small gap and you go, “that’s a 16-pixel gap; I have two frames of opportunity”. You don’t! haven’t you learned a thing? It’s actually 13 pixels wide, so regardless of the align you have, it’s frame perfect. This collision order also caused me a lot of troubles during the second part of the save, especially when you have to reach the lower right corner of the screen to activate a platform hiding in the shadows. The block above the spike on that corner can also be a killer block like the one in the previous screen simply because it has menopause bipolar issues. Who the hell knows? Oh, did I mention there is a jumpscare at the top of the screen?
The boss...................................................................
The boss...................
The following boss is the worst fangame boss I have ever faced, and the most stupidly boring, unfair, random, downright maddening nuthouse creation I ever challenged myself to beat. This boss took me to an extreme I never imagined feeling, very different from Catastrophe’s Gumi: there was a moment in which my lack of enjoyment of the boss transformed into sadness and extreme tedium. I even sweat from the forehead a bit because I really questioned myself: “Even if I’m streaming this with my friends, why in the holy fuckness of fucking fuck am I trying to beat this?” (I tried my hardest not to swear in the whole review; this boss just begged for it though). It was hopeless and monotonous. It was fucking horsehit!!
The boss is a giant cherry bouncing on all sides of the screen and has three phases corresponding to the colors you faced in the stage before (and in the proper order, at least). Each phase has only 5 hits with around 5 seconds of invincibility frames between each hit. Every time you hit it, two things happen: it can change its direction and its speed randomly, and new normal-sized cherries invade the screen: one new for the first phase, 2 for the second phase, and 3 for the third phase. There are platforms you can use to navigate through the screens.
Ok:
-The speed the main big cherry can take is 225 MPH, which is an instagib. It is humanly unreactable, and even if you’re Ao and manage to read it, you might be in the incorrect platform and make a bounce that annihilates you. Only the leftmost and rightmost platforms work.
-The screen gets saturated really fast.
-The big cherry can take a very horizontal path, so it will take forever to get down. Climbing to reach it? That’s a no if the screen gets too crowded.
-If you shoot one of the normal cherries, many things can happen: if it’s a red one, it gets bigger; if it’s a green one, it goes faster; if it’s a blue one, it multiplies by 3. So, at the ending, you’re guaranteed to have at least 30 bouncing cherries everywhere if all your shots were flawless and hit the main target correctly.
-The borders of the screens are death zones. This will kill you more times than you think.
-The fucking ending has a trap: when you kill the boss and grab the item, all cherries respawn exactly where they were left off. This is an instagib and will kill you.
-For the aforementioned point, you have zero to no control over where the cherries might end and the trajectories they maintained, so even if you know what will happen, you can be dead from the exact moment you grab the item. I had, in total, five post-blue phase attempts ruined.
-There is a final insult, for God’s sake: I mentioned that when you kill the main cherry, all cherries freeze, disappear and maintain their current location for being reactivated once you grab the item and hurry to the warp. Well, during this freezing time, they still have hitboxes, so you were also supposed to memorize the location of at least 30 cherries before you beat the boss and ensure you have a clean path to get to the center of the screen where the item is.
Suck my delicious fruits and my giant spike!!
When I progressed, I felt like someone suddenly stopped inserting a cactus up my ass, the great suffering stopped, I threw my chanclas against the closet located in my PC room, and celebrated life, being excited for a new stage coming ahead of me, even if I knew it was shit.
Fifth stage is much more chill and reminiscent of Device (remember Device, Diverse and Tempest are interconnected). It’s a scroller section where you must outrun the limits of the screen. Few traps in this one which has me shocked. Then you get to the ending and the game goes “I Wanna Be the Fangame!” mode with the darkness gimmick of only having a slim area of visibility and you moving within it. If you get past it, it’s death. It goes back and forth as many times as Argentina’s inflation: it is volatile, but keeps getting worse. Add traps for the maker’s amusement, and it’s torture once again. For getting the secret, you need to do a specific set of things so that a particular warp at the ending works.
The visual effect of the gimmick is nauseating even if it’s uncommon: the screen moves rapidly in the direction you’re facing. If you get caught by the limits of the screen, of course you’re dead. It’s a quick secret (with traps lel) that will leave you dizzier than the spinning teacups at your nearest amusement park, if any.
Then Tempest decides to copy paste IWBTG for the nth time, making a Mecha Dragon fight that also puts you in the ordeal of a long intro consisting in jumping across platforms. The boss functions kinda the same without the yellow devil teleportation gimmick, but your own bouncing can kill you and there are instances where the dragon opens its mouth and vomits delicious fruits, some at unreasonable speeds. For my two cents, this cannot be read. RNG can also get so bad that even if you could read it, you might find yourself jumping over a wall and just when you’re at the peak of your jump, the fastest cherry alive obliterates you. The final moments of the dragon also causes many circles of cherries possible to choke to for no rational reason at all.
The sixth stage (famous for K3) is final. This is the only one I can say it has something interesting going on as the first screen is a long vertical scroller... with traps. Visual design is better than all previous stages, but the music choice is so randomly annoying, and with restarting music, you want to punch the screen. There is an obsession with 16 pixel gaps that I cannot understand, and parts where you have to go through the blocks with spikes inside them (logic = 100), so you must figure out, blindly, what the hell you died to.
After passing this section, there is this funny transition to a chaos screen where you must travel upwards as quick as possible while hearing an exaggerated song, but be prepared (or not) for fake blocks preventing you from progress with many hopeless attempts to figure out the correct route of not being stopped.
The next screen is a huge room with ironically a huge portion of unused space and doesn’t have anything that even Maze wouldn’t do much, much better.
So, how to obtain the true ending? Assuming you got all Game Boys, you get warped to the main hub and you have to, very obviously duh (?), shoot all warps that took you to all stages, six in total. You must plan it because the deaths in the hub don’t make sense either (is there something logical about this piece anaconda excrement?). If you touch a spike, everything is reset and counts as a death, but if you fall or touch any of the borders, it doesn’t count as one. Very logical, bro! The final piercing in the d*** is that the warp you shoot last must obligatorily be the one at the top and do the equivalent of an F-jump but without changing direction: passing through the gate with a 5-frame jump is a must for then getting to the top where the final Game Boy appears.
There you go: True “Z” ending clear screen.
The “Z” must definitely stand for “zorra”, which means “b**ch”, which is what you were while the game had you captive.
F*** this game.
[14] Likes
Rating includes extra. Difficulty rating does not include extra (which remains unchanged).
100% “Z” clear.
People unfortunately get cancer, but fangames unfortunately get TEMPEST!
This putrid pile of AIDS-infected rhinoceros’ fecal matter is the virus to my corona, the devil to my religion, the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to my vintage AVGN, the Meet the Spartans to my Sátántangó, the Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code to my Joyce’s Ulysses, the Brokencyde to my Bach, and the M&M's Shell Shocked to my Ocarina of Time. It sucks harder than a vacuum, can cause PTSD and can be used as a tool for forced conversion therapy to suckness.
Absolutely everything is wrong with this humankind abomination, the one and only fangame that Ebert obviously played to not consider fangames “art”. This has to be.
Device / Diverse guy teams up with this other guy, make their homework separately under LSD influence (which can work wonders [I don’t do drugs; I’m speaking on behalf of specific film auteurs]) and vomit their hallucinations in the form of “stages”. Stage 1 is the obligated, mind-numbingly boring standard tilesets, generic traps and awful platforming. You’ll find anything new, except a woeful backtrack for getting to the first secret which involves a screen transition you must quickly react to, or you’re done.
Traps are unfair, and even when you know they’ll happen, they act at the speed of light. Previous knowledge doesn’t help a bit, especially when a platform rams your body against wall spikes at 225 MPH like a McLaren F1 LM. Some traps are cryptic, like take a route, and you’re wrong; take the other one, and you’re also wrong. The red arrows gimmick is annoying, especially when they are used also as traps having a huge size.
Dr. Mario boss is amusing but the fact it can be third-tried at worst makes it clear there is a huge difference between difficulty of bosses and platforming. Nothing appealing about this boss no matter how creative it wanted to come out.
Second stage is way worse: monochromatic metallic bs associated with the original IWBTG’s Mega-Man stage. Lots of dumb traps and “see if there’s an invisible block here”. Game gets you killed after really long saves and the location of the secret is unspeakably idiotic. Remember those walls of spikes that appear in the very first screen of IWBTG? They appear here, and in this God-forsaken save, you have to SHOOT them to make them disappear. Shoot walls of spikes. Yeah. I lost many minutes looking for fake blocks in that corridor needle and when I shot by mere accident, I was stunned at what I had done. There is also this forced red & black design which has a hellish tone to it and might have been ok-ish to explore it more. That’s a no. It’s a single screen with overtly precise triggers and save points in the middle of a fall. Why???
Now, the boss of this horrendous stage surpasses any capacity of my limited proficiency of the English language. You have this cherry in the middle, right? And there’s this gray block in which you have to be constantly on for not falling to your demise, as there’s nothing else in the screen. What to do? Jump on it like water 2 (which is freaking inconsistent for the life of me!!) and shoot it. The cherry also spawns six cherries around in set intervals. Every time you shoot at it, two big cherries go at you, which is fine because you keep moving all the time. All cool, right? No, goddamit, it’s totally not! It’s ten hits in total. Only ten, and sometimes, you can shoot it twice. But when you get to the fifth hit, now eight cherries spawn around, and they way they do so is specifically design to kill the player. The cherries occupy exactly the spot you’re in, and you cannot dodge them that easily because they go diagonally; if you jump ahead of the moving block, you’re still in the angle of the original trajectory, so screw you. If you jump back away from the block and come back to it, you don’t have enough speed to get back to it. Either way it’s game over. This boss took an absurd amount of time and it is so frustrating because it is extremely simple in design and idea, and yet they figured out the most bs way to incorporate it. The hell with this freaking boss!
Third stage, at least this will give us some variety not seen in previous stages and a new song, right? What, did you forget we’re talking about the worst fangame ever made, where Hamster! is a masterpiece compared to this? It’s default tilesets and the Mega-Man 2 theme once again. Now the gimmick is you never stop jumping and have to use your second jumps properly to land and avoid spikes in screens full of traps. You can kiss my banana sprite from Destination’s avoidance.
Then, for no reason, the film transitions to the worst copy of Kill the Guy’s inverted gravity ever, which seems to have a particular obsession with gate jumps. This stage is guaranteed to make you dizzy. The secret’s location is also very cryptic, but anyone familiar with Carnival’s Crimson will get the idea since the way it is obtained is quite uncanny. The boss is an easy first-try Bubble Bobble piece of Dodongo dung where attacks begin to get interesting by the time you kill the little mf dragon.
Fourth stage is the unholy mother of f*ckness and one of the worst experiences of my life. This fourth stage is the main cause of cancer in Japan and unfortunately spread to North America. You begin with a stage that looks like diarrhea with blood. It consists of a simple gimmick: all blocks in the room alternate between normal blocks and death blocks at a given rhythm, with some platforming being the unholiness of f***. The first screen only has spikes, the blocks appear in the second screen. With this logic, be extra careful with the second save of the first screen; it’s located right at the left of a block that begins as a death block when you hit R. This is a softlock, and I’m fairly tagging the game as such. It’s obvious, but also an easy miss if you’re under the stress of finishing the previous save and saving quickly. This is quite deep into the game, so softlocking here would be absolute pain.
Now, after this, you go with the green part of the stage. This is hell. Alighieri never envisioned something like this in all of his Circles of Hell. This green hell, more disturbing than Soylent Green (1973, watch that film) has the worst doable secret of all times: the green-spike-hell brown platform tourist ride. The number of problems with this secret is agonizingly high. Right at the first time you reach the top, the platform does not handle like it normally does in standard engines. Picture this: What do you do if there’s a sea of spikes beneath you and there’s a bunch of brown platforms ahead of you stuck in a ceiling? It’s smashing time, right? The platforms have this peculiar (and amusing) property. Not here, no uh. Here, the platforms can get you stuck in the ceiling, so if you ever think of smashing your character when the platform is at the top, it is literally you signing a contract for getting stuck on the ceiling. The maneuvering this section requires is dumbass. The entire stage, including this secret, has GB-like platforms (meaning that if you land on the platform exactly when it is over a spike in the same pixel, the collision prioritizes the spike instead of the platform). This screws up the entire freaking save. Even if you see a video of it, constructing the memory for knowing exactly at which points of the platform you have to stand for the numerous 16px spaces the platform will make you travel through is more agonizing than studying for a final test of Advanced Microeconomics (I know). Finally, when the platform reaches the end, it doesn’t take you to the 32X32 space where the Green Game Boy is, nooooooooo, it goes the opposite way on the previous block, so you have to stand on the very edge after many intricate jumps while taking care of NOT LANDING ON SPIKES EVEN IF YOU’RE ON THE F*CKING PLATFORM, go to the edge, grab it, come back to the center of the platform, backtrack this lower part of the endurance test, and take a warp rapidly, which makes you fall at the speed of light in an unannounced location of the left drop, forcing you to make a high-speed diagonal.
This secret was more painful than my first breakup!
The pain of the stage continues. You come back to the second half of the second green screen, and there are 5 corridors in total that you must climb with these awful platforms. The fourth one that goes from right to left is a nightmare, as right in the middle there is a demonically possessed jump that resembles a nerfed A-jump (diagonal up and down), except the altitude of the platform makes everything more complicated, and the maneuvering required costed me 4 hours!!! Why???? And you know what caused me the first heart attack? I passed this jump and was more than prepared for the timing of the incredibly fast last platform at the top, but please, please be careful: you will notice that the leftmost block has a ledge you can stand on. Well, for no mf reason, this entire block kills you, even if you bonk at it from below. Why? I have no idea, but you must envision this seemingly harmless block as a death block from the previous blood diarrhea section. I screamed live and hit my desk. F*** this game.
Then you enter a blue area. The makers do not even know their primary colors and tossed away yellow instead; they all look godawful anyway. This screen is smurfs’ vomit. This screen has a bloody serious collision order issue that will screw you up in many unthinkable ways. Take the instance in which you first reach the right wall of the screen. On the second ledge, there’s a block that has a spike facing right exactly above you. If you land on the block, but your 11-pixel-wide hitbox is in contact with the spike, you die. This is Boshy logic and works horrendously. So there’s this part immediately after where you must fall within a 16 pixel gap but without stepping on the spike facing left. Repeat this same stupid bs for the penultimate jump immediately after: you’re on a block with a spike facing left and another one facing down right above you. Beginner-friendly stuff, it would seem, but no, because if you step a wee bit over the spike, you die! You cannot do a strat of standing on the edge of the block without touching the spike because you will touch the spike. A moronic maneuver is required for this, either cancelling, or emulating a 9 jump and get outta there. Finally, you see a small gap and you go, “that’s a 16-pixel gap; I have two frames of opportunity”. You don’t! haven’t you learned a thing? It’s actually 13 pixels wide, so regardless of the align you have, it’s frame perfect. This collision order also caused me a lot of troubles during the second part of the save, especially when you have to reach the lower right corner of the screen to activate a platform hiding in the shadows. The block above the spike on that corner can also be a killer block like the one in the previous screen simply because it has menopause bipolar issues. Who the hell knows? Oh, did I mention there is a jumpscare at the top of the screen?
The boss...................................................................
The boss...................
The following boss is the worst fangame boss I have ever faced, and the most stupidly boring, unfair, random, downright maddening nuthouse creation I ever challenged myself to beat. This boss took me to an extreme I never imagined feeling, very different from Catastrophe’s Gumi: there was a moment in which my lack of enjoyment of the boss transformed into sadness and extreme tedium. I even sweat from the forehead a bit because I really questioned myself: “Even if I’m streaming this with my friends, why in the holy fuckness of fucking fuck am I trying to beat this?” (I tried my hardest not to swear in the whole review; this boss just begged for it though). It was hopeless and monotonous. It was fucking horsehit!!
The boss is a giant cherry bouncing on all sides of the screen and has three phases corresponding to the colors you faced in the stage before (and in the proper order, at least). Each phase has only 5 hits with around 5 seconds of invincibility frames between each hit. Every time you hit it, two things happen: it can change its direction and its speed randomly, and new normal-sized cherries invade the screen: one new for the first phase, 2 for the second phase, and 3 for the third phase. There are platforms you can use to navigate through the screens.
Ok:
-The speed the main big cherry can take is 225 MPH, which is an instagib. It is humanly unreactable, and even if you’re Ao and manage to read it, you might be in the incorrect platform and make a bounce that annihilates you. Only the leftmost and rightmost platforms work.
-The screen gets saturated really fast.
-The big cherry can take a very horizontal path, so it will take forever to get down. Climbing to reach it? That’s a no if the screen gets too crowded.
-If you shoot one of the normal cherries, many things can happen: if it’s a red one, it gets bigger; if it’s a green one, it goes faster; if it’s a blue one, it multiplies by 3. So, at the ending, you’re guaranteed to have at least 30 bouncing cherries everywhere if all your shots were flawless and hit the main target correctly.
-The borders of the screens are death zones. This will kill you more times than you think.
-The fucking ending has a trap: when you kill the boss and grab the item, all cherries respawn exactly where they were left off. This is an instagib and will kill you.
-For the aforementioned point, you have zero to no control over where the cherries might end and the trajectories they maintained, so even if you know what will happen, you can be dead from the exact moment you grab the item. I had, in total, five post-blue phase attempts ruined.
-There is a final insult, for God’s sake: I mentioned that when you kill the main cherry, all cherries freeze, disappear and maintain their current location for being reactivated once you grab the item and hurry to the warp. Well, during this freezing time, they still have hitboxes, so you were also supposed to memorize the location of at least 30 cherries before you beat the boss and ensure you have a clean path to get to the center of the screen where the item is.
Suck my delicious fruits and my giant spike!!
When I progressed, I felt like someone suddenly stopped inserting a cactus up my ass, the great suffering stopped, I threw my chanclas against the closet located in my PC room, and celebrated life, being excited for a new stage coming ahead of me, even if I knew it was shit.
Fifth stage is much more chill and reminiscent of Device (remember Device, Diverse and Tempest are interconnected). It’s a scroller section where you must outrun the limits of the screen. Few traps in this one which has me shocked. Then you get to the ending and the game goes “I Wanna Be the Fangame!” mode with the darkness gimmick of only having a slim area of visibility and you moving within it. If you get past it, it’s death. It goes back and forth as many times as Argentina’s inflation: it is volatile, but keeps getting worse. Add traps for the maker’s amusement, and it’s torture once again. For getting the secret, you need to do a specific set of things so that a particular warp at the ending works.
The visual effect of the gimmick is nauseating even if it’s uncommon: the screen moves rapidly in the direction you’re facing. If you get caught by the limits of the screen, of course you’re dead. It’s a quick secret (with traps lel) that will leave you dizzier than the spinning teacups at your nearest amusement park, if any.
Then Tempest decides to copy paste IWBTG for the nth time, making a Mecha Dragon fight that also puts you in the ordeal of a long intro consisting in jumping across platforms. The boss functions kinda the same without the yellow devil teleportation gimmick, but your own bouncing can kill you and there are instances where the dragon opens its mouth and vomits delicious fruits, some at unreasonable speeds. For my two cents, this cannot be read. RNG can also get so bad that even if you could read it, you might find yourself jumping over a wall and just when you’re at the peak of your jump, the fastest cherry alive obliterates you. The final moments of the dragon also causes many circles of cherries possible to choke to for no rational reason at all.
The sixth stage (famous for K3) is final. This is the only one I can say it has something interesting going on as the first screen is a long vertical scroller... with traps. Visual design is better than all previous stages, but the music choice is so randomly annoying, and with restarting music, you want to punch the screen. There is an obsession with 16 pixel gaps that I cannot understand, and parts where you have to go through the blocks with spikes inside them (logic = 100), so you must figure out, blindly, what the hell you died to.
After passing this section, there is this funny transition to a chaos screen where you must travel upwards as quick as possible while hearing an exaggerated song, but be prepared (or not) for fake blocks preventing you from progress with many hopeless attempts to figure out the correct route of not being stopped.
The next screen is a huge room with ironically a huge portion of unused space and doesn’t have anything that even Maze wouldn’t do much, much better.
So, how to obtain the true ending? Assuming you got all Game Boys, you get warped to the main hub and you have to, very obviously duh (?), shoot all warps that took you to all stages, six in total. You must plan it because the deaths in the hub don’t make sense either (is there something logical about this piece anaconda excrement?). If you touch a spike, everything is reset and counts as a death, but if you fall or touch any of the borders, it doesn’t count as one. Very logical, bro! The final piercing in the d*** is that the warp you shoot last must obligatorily be the one at the top and do the equivalent of an F-jump but without changing direction: passing through the gate with a 5-frame jump is a must for then getting to the top where the final Game Boy appears.
There you go: True “Z” ending clear screen.
The “Z” must definitely stand for “zorra”, which means “b**ch”, which is what you were while the game had you captive.
F*** this game.
Rating: 0.1 1
Difficulty: 87 87
Oct 27, 2023
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